11 months

My mind reels every time I think of my baby turning 1 year old - only a few short weeks and she won't be my babe anymore, but my TODDLER. When she was first born, I felt like a year was an eternity away, and it really blows my mind that in mere weeks we will be reaching that milestone. I never thought that I would ever be in so much love with one little pint sized person than I am with my baby girl. She is truly an amazing and wonderful child that lights up my (and her father's) world every moment. Kaitlin is in complete "discovery zone" mode almost every second of the day. The play pin is now too confining and she wants to explore everything! We got to go to the beach this month for the first time and she was obsessed with the wet sand (we even let her go "naked baby" - which she was even more thrilled with!). Dog bowls, water, dirt, grass, wood chips, drawers, diapers, empty water bottles and anything else that she can get her hands on she loves. And, in the most exiciting news that happened this month - the little peanut has started WALKING!! I just can't believe that she is already on the go. The in-laws were in town for this month, so it was really special that they were able to witness her first steps and watch her develop into a walking machine! Some more of her new tricks are she says "tra-la-la-la" when you sing to her, she puts her hand up to her ear when you say "hello Kaitlin!" and can also understand "yes". Ahhh - she is learning something new every day, and everyone who meets her just says that she is very intelligent and bright (but I already knew that! ;) ).

Getting pictures of her at this stage is getting increasingly harder. She does do a "cheese" face, but is usually on the go when doing it and the pictures come out blurry! She truly is the light of our lives and I love the little person she is growing into be.

xoxo Kait - happy 11 months!

10 months!

Baby girl - you are growing out of your baby ways and growing into our little toddler more and more every day!

I really can't believe that she is already 10 months old. I am starting to think about how we are going to celebrate her year birthday. It never ceases to amaze me how much she is learning and growing every day. She now have 6 teeth - 4 on top and 2 on the bottom. She is completely standing up on her own and took a couple of steps yesterday, although I think that actually walking is still a couple of weeks away. This child is fearless and determined. This past weekend, I had her in her walker (which she LOVES....she toodles around and chases the cats and the dogs for hours on end!). I was doing my normal Saturday routine (dishes, laundry, cleaning...etc) and I realized that I hadn't heard the wheels of that wonderful time-consuming walker, so I went to go investigate what the little bugger was doing. And wouldn't you know that when I found her on the other side of the couch she was standing up OUTSIDE of the walker and hanging out OUTSIDE of the walker. She had climbed completely out!! So now, I am totally screwed - no more walker and she's not into her play-pen anymore....not quite sure what I can do now to keep her occupied for alittle while so I can at least do some dishes around here!!

Kaitlin has also learned how to wave hello and good-bye this month, and to clap!! She is FINALLY saying "ma-ma-ma-ma" but still not real recognition with anything just yet. And - she has finally grown some hair!! Can't wait to finally put some bows on that girl!

9 Months!

2/3rds of year!! Everyone told me that babies grow up so fast, but it rings truer and truer as the months tick by...I mean in only 3 short months Kaitlin will have her 1st birthday - that is just complete craziness!! I know I say this every month, but every month it feels like I fall in love with her deeper and depper. She is a GREAT kid, with TONS of energy. I am quickly having to learn how to put on a diaper any which way (forwards, backwards, sideways, standing up , sitting down...fight, fight, fight!) The child HATES diaper changes right now. Sitting still in one place for more than 30 seconds is apparently TORTURE to her - she wants to be on the move! This month, we have gone to more finger foods and have introduced plums, watermelon, peaches, tomatoes, and her latest favoite....Cherrios!! Yumm!! Put a couple of cherrios in front of this girl and it will make her happy for a LONG time. She has figured out how to actually walk in her walker, and will sprint toward any cat or dog around (oh - and she gets a kick out of running into your ankles as fast as she can!). MS and I just crack up at her when she is in her walker - she LOVES the thing. She hasn't made any more sounds, but has started to "share" her toys. She is into putting her paci from her mouth to momma's mouth, to her mouth again and back and forth, back and forth. Two more teeth came in (her two front ones), and she is FINALLY growing some more hair!! I am anxiously awaiting the time that I can put some bows on the child. We still have our same bed-time routine, and when I rock her she sticks her free hand in my mouth (or up my nose...whichever) to try and see where the singing is coming from.

Happy 9 months my baby girl!! I love you oh-so-much!!

Evolution of a Mom

Being a first time mom, I know that I have a HUGE learning curve, but I felt like I was as prepared as I was ever going to be to have a child. I read several books, I went to all the classes, I was involved a group with pregnant women, and new moms, and heard all their stories. I watched "Happiest Baby on the Block" and cleaned my house up and down three times over before Kait was born. Although I was nervous bringing Kait home from the hospital I thought that I had the knowledge to conquer her every whim and whimper. I wanted to make sure that I did everything correct from the swaddling, to the shushing, to the sleeping, to the changing, to the breast-feeding. I wanted to make sure that this child got off to the right start. I cleaned out her still attached umbilical cord so carefully and made sure that the wipes weren't too cold so that she didn't cry when I changed her. I thought that I knew what it took to be a great mother. But nothing slaps all of that "knowing" out of your head like a newborn screaming for you at 2am, 4am, 6am, 8am (ad nauseum). Although I thought I knew how I would handle a baby, my child still cried, my child still had sleepless nights, and most of all, and worst of all, my child ended up being formula fed. Out of all my classes, books, and support groups, the one thing that I was not going to budge on was breast-feeding my child. I even dragged my husband to breast feeding classes and made him read a couple of passages in some books to make sure that I had a strong supporter who also knew all the benefits of breast-feeding. I won't go into the details of why I ended up giving my child formula (if you really want to know email me). But the bottom line is, that was my first failure as a mother, and will always be my first failure. It is something that I am still working through, might always be working through, but it has gotten better. And it has gotten better because I know that although I might feel like an epic failure as a mother, my child still looks for me in a room and squeals with delight when she sees me. My child still likes to cuddle with me before I put her to bed. My child looks into my eyes with such extreme love and trust that my heart feels like its about to explode in happiness. And - my child is still well fed, well nourished, and happy and healthy. She is thriving with the circumstances that she has been given, and that makes this momma extremely proud of her almost 9 month old! Every day I am becoming more comfortable in my role as a mother, and ENJOYING it more and more - what intense joy a mother has been given to watch their child grow...regardless of their failures. I am evolving into a mother, a provider, a confident that she can be proud of, that she can learn from (and yes learn from my mistakes). I am learning what GREAT JOY it is to be a mother - not just the person who gave my child birth.

8 months

Yes - I am posting 7 months and 8 months all in one day, because I said before - I am LATE getting A LOT of things done these days.

So here's to 8 months!! (& yes, these pictures were really taken on her exact month birthdays...one thing i didn't fail at miserably!).

8 month stats.....

• As you can see from the pictures, Kait is crawling and pulling herself up and LOVING every minute of it!
• She had your first plane ride and made it all the way to Pennsylvania for the Watermire family reunion! (side note: I will never again to "baby on lap" for a plane ride....this was a nightmare. All she wanted to do was be on the ground crawling!! Trying to keep her in my lap for 4 hours was not so great for mommy & daddy. Not to mention that the flight attendants were not to helpful when I had to change the her - they told me I had to wait until they were done with their beverage service. I told her she was out of her mind, and she let me go through. I guess a screaming poopy baby can be pretty persuasive - needless to say, we will buy a seat for her and take her car seat so we can strap the child down!).
• "dada" was your first consonant sound. MS was thrilled, because I have been practicing for MONTHS now to get her to say "mama", but I told him that it didn't count yet because it wasn't recognition. I am still holding out for "mama" as her first words!
• We tried puffs this month, and I was scared to death that she was going to choke on them, but she did pretty good and now LOVES them.
• She is still sleeping through the night and on Saturdays she even sleeps in (which makes both mommy and daddy very happy!)
• She is just an excellent baby, and she is getting more fun every day! So many people comment on what a great baby she is (and we do feel really lucky to call her ours!)

7 Months

...Ok...so this was supposed to be posted on 6/2 and I am just now getting around to it now. Tis the life of a mom...things on my "to-do" list usually take me over a month to actually get done.

So here's to 7 months!!

My babe turned 7 months on Saturday!!

Here are some fun stats from the last months of my baby girl.

• She learned to scoot around; which means that baby gates, and locks and everything baby proofing went into effect at casa de Webber.


• She is now eating 2 solid meals a day, and will eat just about anything. She's not so sure how she feels about straight fruit, though, but will sure scarf it down if it comes with rice cereal!


• She got TWO teeth (on the bottom) and you EARNED them - wow for teething! :)


• We have graduated from bathing in the sink to the bath-tub, because someone learned how to splash at Papa and Nana's house! I am not sure who gets more soaked during bathtime, mom or baby!


• Still in size 2 diapers, but already growing out of 6 month jammies!


• She has ALMOST figured out how to sit up on her own, but can't quite do it all on her own for a long period of time.


• She recognizes her name, and SMILES at it.


• Gigggles with absolute delight at very wierd things (like herself in the car seat, and mommy saying nonsensical things when we are eating!).


• Still is not a cuddler, and would like to be on the go ALL the time.


• She is starting show some signs of seperation anxiety when she is held by someone other than either mommy or daddy.

Bathing in Ice

I recently described my last year (May 09-May 10) to my mom as feeling like someone threw me into an ice bath and said "K - enjoy your new life! See ya!" And I was left screaming "No - you don't understand, I am used to a WARM bath, not ice. Please - can you get me back to the warm bath?!" But nobody came.....and now I am sitting in a bath, where most of the ice has melted, but dang, it's still cold!! I have gotten used to being a wife, and MS and I are working hard on making our relationship what we both need it to be for one another; I am starting to get used to the idea of being a M-O-M; I think that we are almost all moved into our house; I am developing a comfortable routine with the Kait; and I am actually getting used to the drive into work. But I still can't help but feel like sometimes my life is completely out of control and overwhelming, which is something I am neither good at nor used to at this point. My life has been a constant work in progress the last year, and when I say WORK in progress I mean a daily choice to appreciate everything that the Lord has blessed me with in the last year, and to thank Him for choosing me to be a wife to my amazing husband and a mother to my wonderful daughter. And I can tell you truthfully, that every time I do give thanks, He melts a little more ice....

Back to the Beginning

MS and I went down to San Diego this last weekend, to the city where WE started. We left baby Kait with my parents and headed down on Friday night. First, let me say that it was very hard to leave the baby for a WHOLE weekend...I mean we both work full time, so our time with her is already limited, so the whole drive down we were talking about how guilty we felt for not being around for an entire weekend. BUT, I now know why so many couples have told us to do these things because they are as important to your family as being there for the birth of the child (yeah - like a MUST). After our lives had completely spun a 180 degrees a year ago, we were finally able to take a deep breath, look at each other, and say "Hey - WE DID IT, and...I love you more today than I did yesterday." The weekend was like taking a nice, cold, long drink of water after being in a desert for 8 months - it was essential to my well-being, my marriage, and my ability to continue on and be the mom I want to be.

We got to our hotel at around 11:00 at night on Friday (we stayed at a great hotel on the water that our friend got us an AMAZING deal on!), we were tired from working all week, and driving down, but we looked at each other and said, "Hey - we can do WHATEVER we want right now!" and so we did! We drove around and went to Hillcrest to where there was some karokee going on, and we stayed there and people watched and laughed at others expense until around 3 in the morning. By that time, we were hungry and we decided to stop by our favorite late-night Chinese place and didn't get back to the hotel until about 4am. We woke up around 9 the next morning, and I went to breakfast with some good college friends, and Scott met up with his buddy to play some basketball on the beach. Having breakfast with these girls was like much needed therapy to me - they actually wanted to know what my life was like, and encouraged me and I was so greatful to catch up on their lives - these girls are my peeps - to the core - just amazing people. Later that day, we caught up with some of Scott's friends from back east and watched the Padres game in the 'all you can eat section'. So much fun...Padres lost, but I didn't care - just being at the game was fun. After the game, we went and walked downtown and we found a live jazz bar that we had gone to before and sat and watched this great band play. And on Sunday, we woke up late, went and ate some breakfast and then went and played 18 holes at Mission Bay Golf (well, Scott played and I drove the cart!). All in all, it was truly a great, relaxing and much needed vacation.

6 Months...WOW!

Happy Half Birthday my baby girl!! I can't believe that it has already been a half of a year since she was born, and only another half of a year and she will be a whole year!! Yikes!! Here are some fun things she is up to these days....

- Rolling forward and backwards and all around ALL the time.

- She cut her first tooth (wow...not looking forward to more of those!)

- She can grab her toes AND put them in her mouth.

- Once she realizes she is sans diaper, she is rolling over trying to escape being put into a new one ("but momma...it's soo free-ing!!!").

- She is ALMOST sitting up by herself, and I am pretty sure it will be only a matter of weeks before she is crawling.

- Sleeping completely through the night (down @ 7:00 pm and up at 5:30 or 6:00am). She giggles every time you throw her in the air or hang her upside-down.

- She grabs at EVERYTHING and puts in directly into her mouth

- Eating 2 solid meals a day, 'sings' when she eats and grabs for the spoon

MS and I are really loving this little one so much! I wish I had more time to blog about what else is going on in our lives, but truthfully, we are completely CRAZY right now. Hope my next post isn't a 7th month update!! :)

5 months!

Happy 5 months to baby girl, Kaitlin! It's been a wild ride these last 5 months, but SUCH a blast. This month she has rolled from her back to her tummy and vice versa. She found her feet, and realized that she has the ability to ALSO suck on those too!! yuummmm - something new! She also found the upper register of her voice - wowee!! Talk about ear piercing! Not only has she realized that her voice can go that high and that loud, but has also realized that sound is very similar to her crying voice, which in turn means that she is 'fake crying' - what a little girl. Already stretching her limits to see how much attention she can get! And she's figured out that she gets the most attention when she's crying...such a little girl. EVERYTHING goes in her mouth - no matter what it is and her skills at grabbing things is ridiculously good. This weekend she decided that she didn't want to sleep during the night, which meant that I was up every two hours the on Friday and Saturday night. So Sunday night I decided I am going to try and brave out the crying in the middle of the night to hopefully get her to not expect that I am going to come in and feed her every two hours. This will eventually mean that she will actually sleep 10 hours a night (I can't even imagine what that will feel like, but am really excited for the possibility!). I don't have much patience for my baby crying, but I am trying with much reassurance from my wonderful husband that she is okay. Tonight will be night #2 - wish me luck! We sure love this little one, and think she is getting cuter and chunkier by the day, which is the reason why her new nick name is 'chunk o love'! Gotta love those baby rolls!

The Dedication

1 week ago today, this happened....

...And this was read by the Daddy.....

"I pray the Lord will hold you close

And keep you through the night

That you will wake up smiling

In the early morning light

That He will always comfort you

And make you brave and strong

I pray that you will follow Him

Your whole life long

I pray that you will grow up

To be wise and good and true

I pray that you will please the Lord

In everything you do

I pray that you will hear His voice

And learn to sing his song

I pray that you will follow Him

Your whole life long

I pray the Lord will bless you

With His presence every day

And I pray He will protect you

Every step along the way

Help you love what's right

And lead you far away from wrong

I pray that you will follow Him

Your whole life long"

...And this was read by the Mommy...

"For you formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully

and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written

The days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them."

...and I decision was made by the parents "To raise her the ways of the Lord"

...and a promise was made by the people "To guide her and teach her what the Lord has done"

...and a special day it was for our family....

March 7, 2010 our Kaitlin was dedicated to the Lord....

....this was also a special day for MS - the day his parents signed his adoption papers 28 years ago and he became a Webber.......

My Family = Awesome

I will start this post with a picture of my ridiculously cute family....
There is truly no one that I would rather spend my time with than my family. We just had an awesome Saturday and guess what we did - just about nothing! Scott let me sleep in this morning since Kaitlin hasn't been sleeping well this week (meaning I haven't been sleeping well this week). After I woke up (Kaitlin had already been fed AND changed!) I sat and watched the Food Network ate a blueberry waffle and drank my coffee with my daughter laughing while getting in some tummy-time! Before Kaitlin was born, I would watch Food Network on Saturday mornings with my coffee in hand getting ideas for the following weeks meals. This is now a rarity, so I treasured every minute of it this morning! I then got motivated and cleaned our house and did some laundry (something that I have honestly truly enjoyed since we have moved into our new house - really, I am not lying). After cranking up the new tunes on my ipod which MS downloaded for me, we danced ridiculous dances around our house while trying to decide what we wanted to do with our afternoon. We ended up taking the little one and driving to downtown Ojai to run an errand or two, and explore our new little town! We ended up at this great authentic Mexican food place and then walked around a cute little park so that Kaitin could fall asleep. Right after we got home, some wood was delivered to our driveway (we now will always have wood for our fireplace...::swoon::!). I gave the babe a bath (only after a couple of hours of random fussiness with which she screamed for 2.5 hours straight - not so fun part of my day). And now we are enjoying our evening together by the awesome fire that made and enjoying each other's company. I just love my husband and my baby - period. I can only conclude that I am one lucky, lucky girl.

10 things they never told you when you were pregnant...

Let me preface this by saying that when I found out I was pregnant, I knew nothing about being pregnant, carrying a baby, what to expect for childbirth, and let alone how to care for a baby. So I put on my learning hat and pressed forward. I subscribed to Mom & Baby & Pregnancy and also managed to walk away with another pregnancy magazine while at Longs. I bought What to Expect When You are Expecting, AND What to Expect Your Baby's First Year, I cut back my hours at work on Wednesdays to join a Mother's in Movement class which entailed one hour of birth stories and pregnancy stories from women who had either just given birth or were just about to go through it, and followed by another hour of making sure my body wasn't going southward while carrying 35 (ok - maybe 40...) pounds of extra weight. I asked endless questions of my mother, and my mother's mother and their birth stories, pleading for any wisdom they could impart on me. BUT with all that said, there were a few things about birthing and mothering that came as quite an unexpected surprise to me, so I decided to write them all down before they are a distant memory.

10. The bleeding after giving birth (I will spare you the details, but - WOW! Why did no one tell me this??)

9. The baby actually eats every two hours - this means that after you have been up for 48 hours pushing another human being out of your body, and then getting stitched up afterward, you still have to wake-up to try and feed this new human that completely depends on you for sustenance, and that means you waking up every hour and forty five minutes to feed this new human, followed by a feeding that may last 30 minutes, followed by trying to fall asleep in the next hour and forty five minutes, followed by, followed by....

8. Along with #9 - day is night, night is day. Your "day" no longer consists of 16 hours up and 8 hours sleeping. Getting your "8" (I say 8 loosely here) intermittent hours of sleep every night can come ANY time during the day.

7. Overwhelmed and Overjoyed can be simultaneous emotions - they no longer exist independently.

6. Changing a baby takes A LOT of work - I am not talking about changing a diaper, this is the EASY part. Getting a tiny and fragile, or tiny and squirmy baby into a nighty with 20 buttons may take you upwards of 20 minutes.

5. You do have the most intelligent, cutest, best baby in the world - every other parent is just lying to themselves. This is just fact.

4. The amount of hair you lose AFTER having a baby is incredible. I never knew that while you were pregnant you don't lose any hair, so it all comes out after giving birth. Holy Clogged Shower!!

3. Seeing your husband with your newborn/1 month/2 month/3 month/4 month..... old child is THE most heart-warming, amazing, fall-in love all over, insert another fuzzy line here, feeling a mother could EVER have (next to #1)

2. Having someone bring a hot/already prepared meal INCLUDING dessert the 2-3 weeks after having a baby is almost the same feeling of being able to get 2 hours of solid sleep - indescribable relief and happiness.

1. When your child smiles up at you knowing you are theirs and they are yours is the BEST feeling ANYONE could ever have (insert flowing tears here).

Ok - so some of these people did warn me of before I was pregnant or before I had Kaitlin, but wow - I still had NO IDEA.

4 Months!

Eating 1st solids on 2/27!

4 month portrait

My babe is 4 months today! Well - technically she doesn't have a 4 month birthday this month - freakin February is cheating my child out of her official day to be 4 months. But I guess I will let that one go. This month has had some big milestones for her. She rolled over, graduated to her own crib in her own room, grasps at toys (especially her friend Mr. Glow-worm), and has found the upper register of her voice and likes to "fake" cry with it. This makes both MS and I wince at the ear-piercing sound (as well as laughing during the process). She got her first real sickness this month and scared us half to death, but all in all is really a great, lively, personable little baby who we can't seem to get enough of! We love her oh so very much, and I can't wait for what the next month has to show us about our little girl!

Sick Baby = Heartbroken Mommy

Kaitlin got her first real cold this week. Let me rephrase - it wasn't a little tiny cold it was PNEMONIA!! ohmygosh - I never known the depths that frightened could take until they told me my daughter would have to be hospitalized and possibly taken by ambulance up to be admitted. I kept thinking to myself, "she can't be that sick, she just has a LITTLE cold!" Sunday she had a stuffy nose and some congestion, but nothing I was really alarmed about - she has had a stuffy nose a couple of times and the Dr has both times told me there is nothing I can really do about it but saline nose drops and suction her out. So Monday I took her to daycare and told Sheila about her congestion and told her to call me if anything else happens. 10:15 I get a call from Sheila saying she isn't eating because her nose is so stuffed up, so I called the Dr and had an appointment set-up for 1:30 that day. When we got to the Dr, she didn't have a fever and was just having a little trouble breathing out of her nose, so he sent us home to simply monitor her and keep checking her temp and make sure her breathing was normal. Monday night she did OK - I went out and bought a humidifier for her room and just put her down to sleep, which she did ALL day. This was GREAT for me, because the inlaws were coming in on Wednesday. I did all the laundry, cleaned the windows, swept the floors, vacuumed the room, made sure their room was free of cat stuff, and pretty much puttered around the house for cleanliness and organization. Scott got home around 600 and I had dinner ready and the house cleaned - it was awesome! Tuesday AM I checked her temp again, and it was a little high, but nothing I could have called the Dr again for, so I let her sleep a little more and tried to get her to eat, which she sorta did (she was eating like half as much as she normally does) and then I checked her temp again at like 300 and sure enough it was 101.7 - time to call the doc again. I talked with her a little bit about her symptoms and what was going on and by the time she got to "take her to ER - like right now" I started bawling crying on the phone with her. I felt like a complete wimp of a mom (although I am sure she gets it all the time). I rushed her to the ER, and they had her seen right away. They did a chest xray on her and some other tests and came back to me saying that she was RSV+ (meaning she has pnemonia) and took her temp again, this time it was 103. They then drew her blood - more tears for me and then the talk came of her being hospitalized because her oxygen saturation levels were not what they would like them to be. More tears from me. Scott finally talked me out of the tears and told me that since I was the MOM I had to be the strong one, able to make good decision for our daughter and that she was going to be OK, "K - she is going to be ok, the Dr said this happens to almost all kids before they are 2, she's going to be OK" he kept on saying to me. After all the ambulance and hospital talk, about an hour later they told me that we could actually take her home that night because she was boarder-line for being ok. I thought - awesome, my daughter is boarder-line for being able to breath or not. Needless to say, I was up like every half an hour that night just checking to see if she was breathing. So Wednesday I made an appointment with her regular pediatrician to check her out. The whole day, she looked like she was so uncomfortable and so I was just counting down the minutes until I could get her to the Dr at 130. By the time we pulled up to the Dr - I was simply relieved that if something were to happen to her - we were at the Dr where they would know what to do. As a parent, it is so hard to know when to call the Dr and what the right decision is, especially when they are so young and cannot communicate with you. After the Dr looked at her, she said to me, "you know, she just doesn't look right to me. It looks like she is struggling to get a good breath and that is just making me uncomfortable" So she called over to the hospital and we were admitted on Wednesday afternoon. They hooked her all up (IV and everything) and had a ton of wires and tubes going into her. This is the most break breaking thing to witness as a parent - your child so helpless, in pain, uncomfortable and unable to communicate with you. She doesn't really know what's going on - everyone coming into her room had to be completely garbed up with masks, blue suits and all since she is super contagious. After everyone would leave, I would just cry for a little while, knowing that the reason this is all happening to her is mostly because I have to go to work, and she is around all these other sick children all day long - my little helpless 4 month old is helpless in the hospital because of me. Heart breaking again. As a parent, you truly want only the best for your children and when you can't provide that, it is one of the hardest things to come to grips with. I know that I am doing all that I can for her, and that it is necessary for me to be at work, and provide for her. I also know that the chance that she were going to get something like this before she was 2 is almost 100%, but I still can't help but feeling like I didn't do all I could to protect her. I also know that this is an irrational thought - but as a mom, you can't help but be irrational with some things - this child is something you created, out of your own flesh. How could you not be irrational??

A picture update...

1st Day of Daycare! She is so ready to go!

You lookin' at me??

Look ma - no hands!!

Loving airplane with daddy - but loves those hands even more!

"Oh glow-worm, how I love you so!"

Good Samaritans

This week, our growth group has started a video series labeled "The Good Samaritan". MS and I tried to go to study last night, after work, but baby had a different plan in mind. Everything was going as planned until I needed to put her to bed so we could start group. She cried and cried and would not fall asleep, so we ended up sneaking out during the middle, and I only got to sit in for about 5 minutes. But, even though I wasn't able to listen to the video, or hear the discussion, I couldn't help but feel incredibly thankful for all the "good samaritans" that we have leaned on in the last couple of weeks. A post about how lucky we are to have such wonderful, and helpful friends has been floating around in my head the last week or so, but last night I realized that we have been blessed by people who are ACTING upon the Lord's call - they are actually BEING the Good Samiritans to us. We were in need, they saw the need and jumped in to help, without complaint or wanting anything in return. I realized last night that THIS IS THE WAY IT GOD INTENDED us to live, as a community who help each other out. There are times in everyone's life where we need each other to lean on, in our lives, we have relied on people to do a load a laundry for us, lug a faulty washer back to the store to be returned, help pick up a couch at 9:00 at night on a weekday, come over to sop up the flooded kitchen from the broken washer on a Monday night, watch our daughter for 28 hours straight while moved and unpack the essentials to live, or just lended a compassionate ear so I could talk and cry about the craziness of my life. We are community of people all needing each other. We need to lead with love, compassion and willingness to help out instead of turn crossing the street and turning a blind eye to our neighbors who are in need of our help. Without these good samiritans in our lives, we wouldn't have survived these last two weeks. I can only hope that I can soon someday the Good Samiritan for someone else. My challenge to you is how are you going to BE the Good Samiritan to someone this week? How can you help?

Sunrise, Sunset

Wow. That's pretty much all I can say about the last two weeks. It has literally been the hardest, most exhausting, most emotional last two weeks I have ever had. And my baby is 3 MONTHS old today!! Not only was going back to work emotionally toiling, but to also throw in moving 40 minutes away and commuting back and forth now just puts another layer on everything. I have never known this level of exhaustion. Last week was Kaitling first week in daycare, and my first week back. It was hard, but she did so good with Sheila. I think the hardest thing about it was I would get her right when she would start her "witching" hour where she would just cry for 45 minutes and there was nothing I could do to soothe her. She did this when I was home with her, too. I think that because she has never really slept much during the day, except for a couple of catnaps here and there, she is just exhausted by 5:00 and doesn't know what to do with herself except cry. But I still get to do her bedtime routine, which is still my favorite time with her. I give her a bath, and change her into her jammies, and try to read to her (depending on her mood), give her a bottle and put her down. It's so nice to have a good hour of interrupted time with her.
Then, last Friday I got home from work, and immediately started putting things in boxes and trying to get ready for the big move the next day. Saturday we woke up bright and early and I took her over to my mom's for the day (which ended in her first overnight sleepover without mommy and daddy) - which was the HARDEST of all. Not only did I feel like I had no time with her during the week, but I had to give her up on Saturday, too! Blah! Saturday we did all the moving we possibly could, and got to our new place around 10:00 pm or so and finally got our bed set-up around 1:00 am and crashed out. Sunday we woke up and were at it again - drove up to Santa Barbara to pack one last load, go get the babe, and then have lunch with some church friends since we didn't make it to the service in the morning. When we got back to the house, my only goal was to get the bare essentials unpacked for the next week, which i only kinda sorta did. So, this last week we have been in boxes, Kaitlin has been in daycare for the second week, I have been commuting 40 minutes back and forth every day, and working....phew!!! Oh - and to top it off, our new washer doesn't work. We figured that out on Tuesday when I went to do a MUST load of laundry and the water didn't turn off, which resulted in a flooded kitchen...awesome...a whole nother layer to add to the craziness. Yeah - I won't tell you what I've been wearing this week at work. I see my co-workers looking at me like, "wow - you must of had a rough night last night" to which I only want to reply, "you have NO idea". My baby, who was doing so awesome sleeping through the night all of a sudden decided she didn't want to do that anymore and was waking up every couple of hours. I am sure that most of it is because of all of the changes (which makes me feel like a horrible mother), but I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end. She will have a bigger house to play in, with a yard to run around in during the summer, and opportunities that we would not be able to afford if I wasn't working. This life will be better for her soon, and we will be able to reap the benefits.
The commute - people keep asking me how the commute is, and looking at me as if the commute is this awful, horrible thing I have to do. But you know what? I LOVE the commute. It is my ONLY down time during the day where I can just turn off my brain and relax. I also have one of the most goreous commutes in the country I am pretty much convinced of (101 Ventura freeway where most of it is beautiful ocean, and the other part is the beautiful valley with the mountains in the background). I leave for work right as the sun is rising and get to see it over the water as I am coming into town, and come home right as the sun is setting over the water. Who else can say that they get to see the sunrise and sunset on the beach everyday?! But as it also tells me, that the sun will rise and the sun will set and everything WILL be okay.

Guilt

I never knew the capacity of guilt until I became a mother. When you are raising a child, it sometimes seems as though the weight of the world falls solely on your shoulders. Your child relies completely on you to foster their development, to give them nourishment, to coddle them and snuggle them when they need reassurance; everything they need rests on you as their parent. We are in the process of moving right now, so the last couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time packing and cleaning and organizing what we have. This is absolutely necessary because I am going back to work on Monday, and moving, working, and mothering a 3 month old is going to be a lot to deal with. Even though I feel as though I am accomplishing a lot for our move, I cannot help but feel guilty about not spending as much time with my baby as I could be. I really do try and get everything done during her naps, but there have been a couple of times where she has woken up from her nap (after only been sleeping for like 20 min) and I will have the whole kitchen on the floor packing, or all the linens on the floor from our closet, and she is crying but I HAVE to finish what I am doing so I just let her cry for 15 minutes or so. The guilt is so hard to deal with sometimes knowing that she is crying for me, but I need to finish what I am doing. Now, that guilt is workable - I can sort of handle that. I know that she will eventually get held and snuggled, I know that she will get some much needed tummy-time, and we will play for awhile, but I am not sure anything can compare to the guilt I feel about going back to work. When I was pregnant, I always knew I was going to go back to work. In fact the first thing my boss said to me when I told him I was pregnant was "You are planning on being a working mom, right?" to which my response was immediately, "Of course!" I never thought about what that really meant to me until I was actually, truly seriously, a mom. Man - was I really going to leave my daughter, the one that the Lord so intricately melded inside of my body for 9 months to another person for 40 hours a week?! They won't know that whenever she is fussy all she really wants is your pinky to suck on, or when she is being changed, she laughs when you give her zerberts on her belly, or that she really likes looking at everyone, so carrying her facing out is the best thing to do, and she is ALMOST rolling over when is on her stomach. I am really not going to be the one to see her completely roll to back?? This guilt is insurmountable. Every time I have gone to get her in the AM this week I have broken down into tears thinking that our time together is coming to a close so quickly. I know that it is something that I have to do, and will do come this Monday, but I am so not looking forward to handing her over to someone else for 8+ hours. I know that she will be okay, and that SO many other moms do it all the time, but wow - I have a whole new respect and understanding for the two words that I will soon become - working mom.